The Post Victory Conference – A Political Satire – Part II

As Halipha Sallah was in the middle of presenting his reasons as to why PDIOS was also rejecting UDP’s Bamba Seringne Kadimu Rasul Mass offer for Sulayman Bokarr Bah, power went out. Within a flash, the crowd in attendance uttered loud boos that would rival a Wembley Stadium crowd at any given day. How can power go out at a brand new $55 million conference hall in the middle of such an important and essential conference? Well, don’t ask me - your guess is as good as mine! Too many cooks in the “power kitchen”, maybe? NAWEC, Sinohydro Corporation and Senelec are all in the “power kitchen” frying cables.

It wasn’t even fifteen minutes after the power outage before the temperature in the conference hall started to rise and attendees were asked to vacate the hall while the power situation was being sorted out. While waiting outside, there was much chatter amongst the crowd regarding the surrogate trade negotiations. Virtually every one had an opinion. The temperature outside was not friendly either; it was a hot, humid Sunday with temperatures in the upper 90s. Soon, the conversation amongst the crowd shifted from the surrogate trade negotiations to Gambia’s chronic power issues. Some were saying we should look into air energy, others insisted we should harness the moon for energy and yet others insisted some of us generate enough body odor to generate 24/7 electricity. Meanwhile, The Gambia’s own pencil, Sabally, and the rest of the conference staff were working the phones trying to get the power up and running again. He had security with him because he knows Gambians are jealous of him and he has to act important by virtue of his critical role. Three hours later, power was finally back on and people were dancing and celebrating as they filed back into the $55 million conference hall.

Momodou Sabally: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, my name is Honorable Momodou Sabally. I was your best presidential affairs minister under our hero, Jammeh. On behalf of myself and my conference staff which includes people from my leadership academy where Mama Signateh teaches the fundamentals of ethics, I would like to apologize for the power outage and welcome you back to our one in Africa $55 million conference hall. NAWEC has delivered a used generator for us to use for the remainder of the conference and with enough petrol, so I don’t anticipate any more power issues. Thank you for your patience and understanding. We will now resume.

As Sabally was calling the conference back to order, that’s when OJ walked into the conference room accompanied by Ndey Mbergan Sarr and Ndey Ngoneh Njie holding PPP’s pink flag, and Bai Tama right behind them. Ndey Mbergan and Ndey Ngoneh are PPP members but OJ and Bai Tama had met a few weeks earlier at OJ’s house on Koriteh day.  Bai Tama walked into OJ’s house and interrupted his meal looking for salibo.

Sabally: Mr. Jallow, I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you guys wouldn’t attend. Mr. Darboe had said…

Darboe: Said what, Mr. Sabally? I told you that was a joke! Didn’t you hear the audience laughing?

Sabally: Yes I did, Mr. Darboe; and it was funny too, sir.

Darboe: Mr. Jallow and I are friends; a photo of the two of us hugging went viral online, you didn’t see it?

Sabally: I probably did, Sir. Mr. Jallow, welcome to The Post victory Conference 2017. We are glad that you made it here with your delegation to represent PPP in this very important conference. As we all know, PPP is a signatory to the MoU and your participation in this conference is key to help us forge ahead. I’m assuming you are here to partake in the surrogate trade negotiations?

OJ: Well, thank you very much Mr. Sabally! First of all, I would like to apologize on behalf of PPP to you, my peers, and the audience for arriving late to the conference; we were experiencing car troubles. Unfortunately, we did not bring any of our surrogates with us to this conference. Saul Mbenga and Sainabou Phall could not make it from the United States for the conference. I called them both and left a message but haven’t heard back. Ndey Mbergan and Ndey Ngoneh are new to PPP and don’t know our inner-workings yet, and Bai Tama is my new pal.  We are just here to observe, and as stakeholders to the MoU.

GDC has been in attendance from the start but they seemed to involved in some internal squabbles. In fact, they arrived earlier right before the doors were opened, but they were yet to be acknowledged by Sabally and they were getting impatient. As the leader of the delegation, Ebou Jallow decided to call for Momodou Sabally’s attention:

Ebou: Exchuse me, Mr. Sabally!!!

Sabally: Did someone call out my name?

Ebou: Yes! My name is Captain Ebou Jallow and I’m here with my colleagues on behalf of GDC, but you have yet to acknowledge us.

Sabally. Sorry, Mr. Jammeh! Oh I meant Mr Jallow. I was under the impression that you guys were here as part of the audience since GDC was not part of the coalition and are not signatories to the MoU. However, go head and introduce yourselves.

Ebou: Well, my name is Captain Ebou Jallow and I am here with Saihou Mballoh, Lieutenant Colonel Lamin Gano and MC Cham. Mama Kandeh could not make it because he had to make an urgent trip to Dakar for donations. We were tipped off about this meeting by Pa Nderry Mbai and he was tipped off by his main “sauce”, The Soldier. Wa kissi kissi, wa lohatti. (Lakki Ginay)

Sabally: Thank you, Mr. Jallow! And why is Lamin Gano in a military uniform? Is he hired back into the army by Masanneh Kinteh? Last I saw him he was holding a "potti ndal" (jibida poto) for our hero doctor as he claimed to cure AIDS patients.

Gano: No, Mr. Sabally! I didn’t get a chance to do my laundry and my old uniform was all that was available for me to wear. And you know, once a soldier always a soldier.

Right then, there was some commotion in the back as Otita Cultural Group came in led by Foday Jawla who was jumping for joy telling everyone that he in fact saw Barrow peeking through the curtains and they shook hands. The UDP delegation was disgusted with his eccentric ways. Did he have to bring Otita with him some mumbled? Well didn’t OJ come in with Bai Tama some responded!

Sabally: Hey, stop the dancing and singing. I am the moderator of this conference. You guys dance only if I dance first. DJ hit me!!

The DJ played Big Fa’s anything anything and the place went deadly silent.

Sabally: Well since we all stand for something here, let us continue unabated. So Halifa, you won’t accept Seringne Bamba Manka Mass for Sulayman Bokarr Bah and you still insist on having Pata but Ousainou said Pata isn’t going anywhere. How about if they add two people, one from Mai Fatty’s party and the other from Henry Gomez’s party plus Seringne Bamba Manka Mass and you give them Sulayman Bokarr Bah

Halipha: Sabally, kanang Yap!! Do you know anyone that belongs to Mai Fatty’s party or anyone from Henry Gomez’s party? These are one-man parties!

Mai Fatty: Halipha, don’t talk about my party. You know nothing about the GDC, I mean GMC.

A shouting match ensued between Mai and Halipha for a few minutes. Halipha was heard telling Mai at the end that he was a young man and needs to self- restrain a bit and learn a thing or two from him. A few people in the audience were recording the incident with their phones, and the video will probably be making its rounds on WhatsApp soon.

The conference was called back into order by Sabally after the uproar, but before he could ask Halipha to specify what exactly it would take for him to release Sulayman Bokarr Bah to UDP without getting Pata, a loud voice was heard come from GDC’s direction; it was Saihou Mballoh.

Saihou: Mr. Sabally, I always talking when I’m on Freedom Radio, but you have not given me a chance to talk here since we started. I know how to talk on behalf of GDC and I represent well. You can ask Pa Nderry Mbai or Mama Kandeh.

Sabally: Well, Mr. Mballow, this is not Freedom Radio and I have no interest in asking Mama Kandeh. Besides, didn't Captain Ebou Jallow say that Mama Kandeh had to make an urgent trip to Dakar for donations? Look, like I said earlier, GDC is not a party to the MoU and you are welcome to observe, but you will not be participating in this surrogate trade negotiations!

That's when MC Cham called "bullshit" on Sabally, and another commotion ensued. Out of left field, Foday Jawla, Otita Cultural Group, and the APRC dancers bulrushes the center of the conference hall. Otita Cultural Group was singing their new single "Sayri Boyo" with Foday Jawla and the APRC crew dancing feverishly. Within seconds, a good number of the UDP supporters also joined in. The dancing crowd was building up fast! Ndey Mbergan and Ndey Ngoneh looked at Bai Tama and gave him a signal to hit them with a "raygin tass" rhythm, they were ready to show Foday and his crew how it's done. Unfortunately, Bai Tama realized that his "banti tama" was not in his pocket and that he had left it in OJ's car. Standing there with a dejected look on their faces, Ndey Mbergan and Ndey Ngoneh just shook their heads. Their plan to "tay-yah" Foday Jawla until he collapsed was not going to materialize. They really wanted to teach him a dancing lesson!

Meanwhile, Halipaha was seen shaking out of anger; he could not believe his luck with these conferences. The first one had virtually unraveled and the second one didn't even conclude. Fuming mad, he took off his "white Haftan" and threw on the floor, then walked out of the conference hall with his delegation in his "gensor." He was heard saying under his breath "I don't think I what to be a president any longer, a parliament member will be just fine!"

Ladies and gentlemen, we have another impasse in our hands. Luckily, the ECOMIG Troops are still here to intervene if the need arise.        

THE END

The Post Victory Conference – A Political Satire

To challenge Goloh and have a fighting chance, the opposition parties came together and formed a coalition.  A Memorandum of Understanding was drafted and willing parties signed on. This was their only factual chance, and it worked! Goloh was defeated and sent packing. The freedom clouds rolled in and they ranged from dark gray to light gray, with fifty other shades of gray in between. Freedom is a must and gray is the color. But under the clouds of freedom, the MoU was unraveling, fast too!

There were rumors and accusations regarding cabinet appointments, and the noise kept getting louder.

And yes, as usual, Halipha Sallah held a press conference and hit the online radio circuit to clear the air. In typical Gambian style, the press conference set off an online storm instead. There was more darkness than light, and things kept escalating. With the MoU virtually scrapped and party surrogates running wild online, it became apparent that a "post victory conference" was necessary, not to ease the tension, but to balance the scales a little bit. After all, UDP is the biggest party in the entire wide world. This, my friends, is what necessitated The Post Victory Conference July 2016. Momodou Sabally was selected to be the moderator extraordinaire.    

Momodou Sabally: Ladies and gentlemen of the great people of The Gambia, I am the moderator of this conference. My name is Honorable Momodou Sabally. I was your best presidential affairs minister under our hero, Jammeh. Due to my intelligence and being the Pen of the Gambia, I have managed to wriggle my way into the current government and hence my role in being the MC of this august body. I have Champion DJ Lamin Cham on sounds and the dancers on the stage to my left are some of the other APRC rejects trying to join in this new government led by Suku Signateh. Congratulations to Fatim Badjie and the honorable sister in New York. Masanneh Kinteh will make sure everyone is safe. Champion Sounds, hit me with music!

Halifa Sallah: Hold it right there. This is a conference and not a musical jamboree. President Jammeh is no longer here! Before we get started, as usual, I am the coordinator and the most powerful one here. Please make sure all the blinds are closed because President Barrow is not here and we don’t want him peeking and not saying anything as usual!

Mai Fatty: Barrow can peek all he wants! What is your issue Halifa? I am in charge of the internal security of this $55 million conference hall. I say when the blinds are to close or not. Not you!

Halifa: Anyway, like I was saying, according to our memorandum of understanding and the provisions of our constitution that I helped draft and convince doubters on..Oh sorry, this is a conference on the way forward.  Sorry I digressed. I had the age limit on my mind.

All the political parties and their various leaders feel aggrieved by some issues and we thought we should meet to hash them out. This relates to our online presence and the personalities involved. Therefore, we have agreed that we will be swapping some of our surrogates for better equilibrium. The uproar online keeps snowballing and the scales keep tipping.  We have here Pata Saidykhan, Fangbondi Jatawuleng, Foday Jawla, Bamba Mass and Lamin Jammeh otherwise known as Badibu Mansa. They represent the UDP, AKA Coalition Defense League. We also have Modou Nyang, Sulayman Bokarr Bah, Papa Ousman Lowe and Modou Nyan. They represent the ideals of PDOIS. The GDP is ably represented by Saihou Mballoh, Ebou Jallow, Lamin Gano and MC Cham. The APRC has no one here because they insist they can’t take any decisions in the absence of President Jammeh. Hamat Bah doesn’t trust anyone else representing NRP in this conference and so he is representing himself. Henry Gomez and Mai Fatty have no one else in their parties beside themselves so they will be speaking as a team.

The PDOIS therefore proposes to adopt Pata PJ Saidykhan as a PDOIS member. Pata is the most charismatic of the bunch, a chicken wing lover, lives in Nebraska where he is the only Gambian and he wears an oversized cap. Pata also sports an earring and speaks with an American twang. Not only is he enigmatic, he actually presents his arguments in a sensible manner. Oh and here is the coolest part, rumor has it that he licks his new tennis shoes before he wears them; how spectacular is that?  We know he is ripe for plucking and will be welcomed in PDOIS. We will give the UDP Sulayman Bokarr Bah and take Pata. Mr. Sabally, PDOIS formally requests to take Pata from the UDP

Momodou Sabally: Well UDP, you guys have power. Please notice how I run this conference and I want to know how you feel when it’s all said and done. I have a leadership academy and we are accepting donations. We teach the science of sycophancy. Anyway, UDP what do you say?

Ousainou: Mr. Fatty, where is Pata from?

Mai Fatty: I believe he is from Jara but you know some of the Saidykhans also live in Sanjally Kanikunda. But let’s go with Jara.

Ousainou: What about that guy dancing in the corner in the all yellow outfit with the haphazard haircut?

Mai: Oh that’s Foday Jawla Sir. I have a dossier on him right here.

Ousainou: Halifa, will you accept Foday Jawla? I heard he is a thorn that is on a continuous prowl of the internet looking for the word “government” or UDP. He is unrelenting and quite an intellectual, you will not have a more active and impudent warrior. He lives in a basement in Germany that’s equipped with a strong Wi-Fi connection and is online 21 hours a day.

Ousainou whispers to Mai: What is wrong with Foday? Does he ever get tire of dancing and singing to himself? Or is there something wrong with him?

Mai: He is just an enthusiastic supporter of yours sir, but I heard that he is also missing two French fries to make a complete happy meal as they say in Nebraska. Pata taught me that..hehehehe.

Ousainou: Halifa, Foday is all yours if you will give us Momodou Nyang.

Halifa: I’ve invested too much in Nyang. I can’t swap him for a dancer. You can have Momodou Nyan and not Nyang but I want Pata!

Sabally: Mr. Bah, do you have anything to say? I noticed that you are staring at the window and seem to be zoned out.

Hamat: Oh, sorry! Look, I don’t have much to say. My dream was to be a minister and I’m happy how things turned out. I’m in the cabinet now and waiting for the churai gonga to start smoking. My main focus is to make sure there is no “hemosexualism” in The Gambia and to bring back the backway boys to marry as many of our single women as they can. By the way, the salad we ate in Saudi Arabia was extremely delicious, still licking my lips. I wonder what type of salad dressing they had on it. Mr. Sabally, can you not ask me any other questions please? I don’t want to say much and jinx myself. Thanks

Sabally: Ok Sir! You can continue gazing at the window. Mr. Henry Gomez, we are yet to hear from you. Do you want to chime in before we proceed any further?

Henry: Gambia, forlen tek President Adama Barrow? Fee! Fee fee fee! Suma boysi Germany yee, forlen tek President Adama Barrow? Fee! Fee fee fee! Cheppeh yee yen nak? Fee! Fee fee fee! Ken munut si anything, anything anything. Yes man! Champion sound, hit me with music!

Halipha: Hold it right there! I have already said this; we are here for a conference, not a musical jamboree. Mr. Sabally, can you please expel Champion sound so that we can focus and have a productive conference? I am afraid someone is going ask them to hit them with music again.

Sabally: Mr. Sallah, I am certain Champion sound gets the message now and will not honor the request of those asking. But before we proceed, it has just registered that OJ and PPP are not in attendance. Does anyone know what the issue is there?

Ousainou: Rumor has it that NRP "punked" PPP and took their blue flag, and PPP is pink now. So I guess OJ is too embarrassed to come matching in here waving a pink flag!

Laughter erupts

Mai: Mr. Darboe, I didn’t know you had such a wicked sense of humor, Sir. And I can't believe you know about the term “punked.” Where did you learn that term?

Ousainou: I am on Facebook and Whatssap, remember? And besides, I hail from Niani and we have a brutal sense of humor there. I don’t joke much, but when I do, it’s on fire…hehe

Halipha: Mr. Sabally, can we get back to our order of business please?

Sabally: Yes we may, Mr. Sallah.

Halipha: PDIOS rejects Mr. Darboe’s offer for Foday Jawla! I just received a text message alerting me that people are blocking Foday Jawla online in droves; and if that is indeed true, he may not be useful to us regardless of his 21 hours a day online presence. My phone does not have internet capability, but I have a 1980 macintosh computer at home and will dial up the internet to confirm when I get home. In any event, we reject Mr. Darboe’s offer! Mr. Darboe, we are willing to offer UDP Sulayman Bokarr Bah in exchange for Pata, and this offer is firm.

Sabally: Mr. Darboe, any objections to Mr. Sallah’s counter offer?

Ousainou: Listen, Mr. Sallah, UDP will not release Pata to any of our political rivals in a billion years and that’s written in stone. He is a "ride and die" Lieutenant. However, we are willing to trade Bamba Seringne Kadimu Rasul Mass for Sulayman Bokarr Bah.

Halipha: Bamba who? I am told that he has been massing up my name and dragging my “white haftan” in the streets of Facebook and I do not appreciate such behavior from him. My “white haftan” is supreme like the constitution and should be respected. My Nokia cell phone is game but my “white haftan” is not!

To be continued